Rumblings of Transformation

I believe that everything happens when and how it is supposed to. Oh God... smh... do I know how those words can hurt. They've cut me so deep in the past too, but looking back on my life I cannot NOT believe this. My daughters would not be my daughters if I had gotten pregnant right away, and I can feel them with every fiber of my being. Heartbreaks have broken down the limited beliefs of my childhood programming and have cleared the way for the unconditional love that I feel coursing through all that is. The blessing of hindsight doesn't help the pain at the time though.

I also have a very strong connection and faith in my intiution. My higher self has guided me through decades of growth and transcendence. Professionally this has always been easy for me. I am a fascilitator of healing and my clients heal better when my ego is on the shelf. Personally... hahaha I'm convinced my angels must all be bald by now. I can be oh-so-very stubborn and I was blessed/cursed with a logical mind. It's taken me a long time to get to here and I'm sure there are many "miles" to go, but I can feel the rumblings of transformation around the bend. Honestly, it's been coming for awhile now and I have ignored, argued, dug in my heals, and procrastinated in any way possible because I know transformation is not only hard, it is f'n unpredictable. When you release your long held beliefs it feels like the wind could blow you just about anywhere. That scares the shit out of me.

Brene Brown says that the uncertainty scares us because that is when we are truly vulnerable, and vulnerability is essential for connection and joy. I'll go a step further and say that it is the key that unlocks Bliss. Why in the world would I fear bliss? Because the last time I went through this there was a hell of a lot of pain that proceeded the bliss.

I can feel my true self... strong, sensitive, brave, raw, powerful, soft, and limber.... scratching from the inside trying to get out. It almost feels like I could just rip off this suit of armour and step out of it. I see it all through a haze of darkness that I will need to walk through to get to there. Surgery will bind my hands and throw me into a tailspin of vulnerability. And at some point I will need to make a choice... between seeking another unhealthy way to hide or to lean into the vulnerability and allow myself to be seen.