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He fell asleep holding my hand last night

He fell asleep holding my hand last night...

Today marks two years since I said “yes” to myself and had gastric bypass surgery. It was a pivotal decision in my life.

It had nothing to do with vanity. I never set a goal weight or size. I was extremely unhealthy and knew that there was work to be done far beyond the symptom of my weight. In the last two years I have come to understand that I got to that point by putting everyone before myself AND I was completely disconnected from my physical experience.

The root of both is that I believed my value was completely determined by what I could do for others. So if I did, did, did for others I would be worthy of love. I didn’t realize then that It would never work. That’s not how authentic love works. You don’t earn love. It just is.

Instead I needed to focus on me and heal the wounding I carried with me at all times. To feel my body’s wisdom and lean into the wounds new and old. To forgive, to relove myself and in turn learn to love myself.

When you finally love yourself and feel your innate worthiness you will become acutely aware of how necessary it is to rewrite the old rules in your relationsihips. It’s been the most heartbreaking and necessary part of the process. This work is on going and will continue as long as it needs.

I do not want to imagine how I would have handled the last year of my life without this continued work. Between all the death and natural transitions in my life I have experienced gut wrenching loss, pain, doubt, fear and rage. I am not completely to the other side, but so far I have already found a deeper faith, genuine nurturing friendships, a right to take up space and an ability to flow with the emotions instead of rising above them or shutting them down.

I do this work for myself. While my heart aches at the pain it causes in others to lose who I was, I know with every fiber of my being I love them more completely, more genuinely... just as they are... by loving me first.

Love yourself in the way an innocent child loves their imperfect mother.

He fell asleep holding my hand last night.

Originally posted: June 10th, 2021

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