I woke up this morning to one of my 16-year-old twins whispering "Happy Birthday, Mommy!" from my door. So sweet! I took one last breath through my cpap, then shut if off (before taking it off) so as not to disturb my slumbering husband. She had already walked back down the hall to continue the tradition of morning arguments over the bathroom, jeans, mascara, etc with her twin. I peered over the edge of my bed to see if our youngest (the 4 year old) made it through the night in his own bed or if he had pulled out the crib mattress I keep tucked under the side of my bed. Such a conflicting feeling to see he made it.

Who wouldn't want to wake up to this?

Before I even sat up I could feel that familiar tension, need-to-pop, feeling in between my shoulder blades. At least its not waking me up at night anymore. When I finally convinced myself to get upright, I took a few breaths and let my shoulders slowly fall away from my ears with each breath. There, that's a little better. Walking to the bathroom I could feel the pull of my right achilles tendon all the way through gastrocnemious. I took a moment to wonder if I was getting some plantar fascitis due to my fallen arches again or if it was an energy hang over from a family memeber I recently helped. But hey, at least my pelvic/hip pain of obterartor externus was avoided... for now. My pelvic floor PT found it high tone so released it and now there are times I can't bear my weight.

So this is 38. Good God! It feels an awful lot like yesterday's 37, but a hell of a lot different from 28. At 28 I had already spent 7 years as morbidly obese woman. I had dealt with the emotional and spiritual pains of infertility, and body image issues but physically... I had very few complaints of pain. I'm sure at the time there was a part of me that did not believe it was coming, but here it is.

My story is a familiar one in the weight loss surgery community. Overweight to obese since puberty and then quickly to morbidly obese as an adult. My dieting books are only outnumbed by my permaculture books, and I've tried them all over the years. Each with their own scientific sounding philosophy as to why this diet/lifestyle change/blahblahblah was going to be the one that would change my life and make obtaining and maintaining a healthy weight not only possible but EASY! (pffft!)

The first time I considered weight loss surgery. I was 21, newly married, and 257 pounds. The new and exciting lap-band was all the rage back then. The doctors had already done the research and knew the likelihood of long term weight loss for the morbidly obese was slim. I had been on so many diets, starting around the age of 12, and I didn't want this to take up so much of my life. I had other dreams more worthy of my energy and attention. But weight loss surgery wasn't as common in 2002. Everyone I had talked to about it was very negative and I buckled under the lack of support. Ever the optimist I became determined to "do it on my own", (still the idea of surgery has never really left me).

I've had a couple more attempts at wls after that:

Age 28 (2009/10) 275lbs - Decided to have Gastric Bypass. Day before found out it was "approved but not covered" (wtf does that even mean?)

Age 29 Got divorced and busted my butt to lose 65 pounds. (low of 210lb) Lost my balance and regained

Age 36 279lbs(Jan 2018) Started the process again. Failed to quit smoking

August 5th 2018 - quit smoking (YAY!)

Age 37 (November 2018) 282lbs Started AGAIN!

Age 38 291lbs Surgery scheduled for June 10th, 2019 trying to stay positive, but watching for the other shoe. (Can there be any shoes left at this point?)

Heh. Even the cliff notes version of this is pretty depressing. Almost as bad as making the spreadsheet of all the diets I have tried over the years! (Have any of you made one of those before? What an eye opening experience!)

I have never been this heavy or this affected by my weight in my life! The last 10lbs is soffocating me. I no longer fit comfortably in a booth at a resturaunt. I have to walk down the stairs one at a time in the morning because everything hurts, and going up them winds me with one flight. I have high blood pressure and severe sleep apnea. I am a very physical person. I love being in movement and using my strength. I used to be quite flexibile, but now my body literally gets in the way. (deep sigh.. truth..) I refuse to accept this any further.

Here I am... leaning in to vulnerability.

Happy Birthday to me! Age 38

291lbs Bring it on. I'm ready. (Damn this is hard to post)

Love and Light to you all (( <3 ))

#keepingitreal #wls